Sunday, November 04, 2012

Resolutions for THIS new year.

For the last DECADE, I have started off each new year feeling like I am a failure, a mess, someone who needs a LOT OF WORK.

I have been either pregnant, or obese (or both) every single New Years Day since I turned 20. This year will be the last one of my twenties, I want to make it the BEST one.

I want to start the New Year wanting to be the person I am, and keep improving. Not wishing to change, or STOP being x,y,z.

I want to lose the 23.5lbs needed to be 'overweight' by then. To start the year 2/3rds the way done to 'healthy'.
I want to be running 5k, and aiming to improve to 10k.
I want to be able to do the super sprint triathlon distances, and be working towards the sprint.
I want to wear my jeans while getting ready to celebrate NYE 2012.

I have 8 weeks. I am excited for these changes to have happened in Just. Eight. Weeks.

2013 - I will be happy, feel healthy, enjoy my day, look forward to a new year of being strong and well and vibrant. I will not be worrying about weight, or what others say or think. I will live, and love and let go.

2012 - 210lbs, again, had wobbled slowly up the first half of the year, then started to really 'DO' weightloss, shedding over 3 stone in 3 months, then stagnated - during NOVEMBER. November seems to be a bit of a danger month, so I am keeping close tabs on myself right now.
I'd joined the gym, started running, and completed the 30 day shread. Then things started to go wrong with Sam's work, and I folded again, not making my health a priority.

2011 - >200lbs. I had wobbled up and down and up again, weightwise. I was coping with lots of things that were making being healthy hard, or taking the energy I needed to force myself to be 'good' anyway. Had the added stressor of my sister's wedding day looming, and everyone wanting me slim to be maid of honour. I was terrified of being put in a tight flesh-toned dress next to her slim, younger, childless friends. Terrified.

It happened. I was too big for my outsize dress anyway, and I stood next to girls wearing size 10/12, 'matching' while falling out of my size 20. It was a hard thing to do on a happy day.

2010 - I weighed 195lbs at New Years. Having got down to 148lbs in the summer, and was feeling really down on myself. Kept setting targets for myself that were based on witholding treats until I reached X point. Just not great.

2009 - We'd moved down to be nearer both families. The twins were 7.5 months old. I'd lost 3.5 stone in 4 months and was feeling good - only a few lbs over that 30 bmi. Don't think we even noted New Years, aside from enjoying the day off for Sam.

2008 - I was pregnant, again. More than halfway through, and with twins. And terrified. I knew that my little baby boy had 'stuff' going on. I had identical babies growing inside me. My husband had been diagnosed with UC and depression and left his job, we were beginning to struggle a bit financially. That Autumn I had just lost 20lbs and felt like the depression was shifting, and I was absolutely crapping myself about how I was going to live through more of the same, or worse. I didn't want the babies, and felt like crap acknowledging it, so didn't. I felt evil. I was terrified of more depression, being stuck with 2 more babies that my body couldn't feed, and a husband who wasn't well. I didn't know how to ask for support, or believed I deserved it.

new years eve bump pic

2007 - I was 41 weeks pregnant with DS2, fighting off family/friends and hcp's who wanted me to go get induced. Actually felt kind of happy, safe in my body and pleased in how I felt. This *was* probably one of my better New Years in the decade, we spent it at our local chippy in Leicester city, with 19 month old Seth dancing on the tables watching fireworks.

'pud' 41 weeks

2006 - I was 7 months out from having Seth, recovering from MRSA and having been treated with anti-psychotics for postpartum total meltdown. I'd put on a fair bit of weight at the very end of/after pregnancy, and was still fairly depressed. Our mini family saw the New Year in sat on our sofa.

2005 - I was 20 weeks pregnant with Seth, we'd lived in our new home in Leicester for just over a month. We went out for drinks (lemonade) with Sam's workmates on new years'. We'd found the church we'd be a part of for the 4 years we lived in Leicester, I'd booked in with the midwife and felt safe and happy having seen my healthy baby on scan the week before. (Had travelled back to Oxford for the scan, as my notes hadn't switched over yet, and seen my midwife from previous pregnancies and shown her my 20 week old healthy baby, lots of smiley tears).

new year bump pic - 20 weeks

2004 - New Years I spent in labour. 4 days from December 30th until the morning of January 2nd I bled and contracted and wailed in (emotional) agony, as my first daughters' body was ripped from mine. I weighed 140 something lbs, I wasn't sure, I didn't care, my baby was dying. I don't remember noting the year change, but remember spending the next morning being told I was tachycardic and should 'give up hope' on my baby. 'Happy' New Year.

I have no real memories of anything from after I lost Zoe, until around April 2004. It's all been lost in a blur, but have this photo my mum/dad took when we went to visit/I went to visit a couple weeks later. Don't remember why/how I went. But there I am. I do know that I barely went out (as evidenced by my university record) that I got obsessive about cleaning (Sam remembers me bleach-cleaning walls at 3am).

Oh, I've just pulled a foggy memory - my hair. My hair is hacked off. I'd gotten a voucher to use at a London salon a few months beforehand.I  went with my mum, idea being to 'cheer me up', I think that's how I got there/the 'reason' for the photo. I just see empty eyes.

2003 - I was dieting. Like really. 19 years and 3 months old, and dieting. Slimfast Because I had stood in a changing room with strangers and wall to wall mirrors, with my parents sat outside, at 19 YEARS OLD and told I was too fat. At 11 stone.

... and so a 15lb freshers gain was turned into a humliating event and 10 years later I'm just realising and battling it still. Interesting.

I spent New Year in the pub over the road from our student digs, drinking diet coke and knowing it would kill my head (aspartame) but a headache was preferable to not fitting the dress. *sigh*

For reference, that woollen coat I'm wearing is a size 12.

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